A Correct and Definitive Egg List

With the end of 2021 behind us and the quickly escalating pandemic on our heels, I know what you’re thinking; what exactly are Faberge Eggs and which are the prettiest? Well you’re in luck. Inspired by a tweet by @grnpointer, I have compiled a list of the 48 known Imperial Eggs. While I respect @grnpointer’s opinion, we have to acknowledge the ball they dropped when it came to correctly ranking the eggs. So as a winter treat, I give you the correct egg rankings from worst to best. While I won’t be posting a photo along with each egg, I encourage you to seek them out yourself.

48. Bringing up the rear in a cacophony of failed musicians and depressed clowns is the Love Trophies Egg. Is this a pretty paperweight? Yes. Is it expensive? Yes. Is it an egg? Absolutely not. This alleged egg missed the mark on any relation to poultry while looking like a failed wedding cake at a Vegas ceremony. The style is unremarkable and bears no significance to either the Russian nobility or the nation in general.

47. The Orange Tree Egg is also not an egg, however, what it lacks in avian charm it makes up for by looking like a tree. In fact, it looks so much like a tree that it was not granted last place. I like to pretend there’s a bird somewhere looking for a nice home to lay a real egg, and maybe this is their second or third choice.

46. Continuing our trend of eggs that aren’t eggs, the Mauve Egg with Three Miniatures resembles a cheap valentines gift you give before a traumatic one-sided breakup. Its charm exclusively comes from the three portraits of the Romanov imperial family that are revealed once opened, and this connection to the motherland wraps up the bottom three eggs.

45. The Colonnade Egg is our first egg on the list that actually resembles an egg. Unfortunately it also resembles a half made nursery for an unborn child born directly into a sorority.

44. The Empire Nephrite Egg gets points for looking like an egg, but loses points for its weird suspension between two pillars. While the color is beautiful, I don’t support the imperials it depicts so it’s doomed to an eternity in the bottom 10.

43. The Standart Yacht Egg is the first Faberge to ask the question: what is an egg? While there are other clear eggs higher up on this list, the random family yacht suspended in the middle of the crystal casing is an odd choice. This egg represents nothing more than a flex on their wealth, and we are not beginning 2022 with the 1% ranked higher than they deserve.

42. Ah, 42, the best number. The Blue Serpent Clock Egg dared to be bold when no one asked. Much like Satan, the serpent this egg depicts angers God and disappoints. Does anyone want to eat an egg that also ticks? That is also a clock? We don’t live in Peter Pan and we definitely don’t follow J. M. Barrie’s questionable dialogue. Would Robin Williams approve?

41. The Steel Military Egg is an atrocity. Russia has always been proud of their military, but to make an entirely metallic egg? That poor bird. This does not look appetizing in any way nor does it bring glory to the motherland. I could probably make this in my backyard with a fire and a couple of bricks. Shame.

40. The Red Cross Portrait Egg is also ridiculous. It’s no secret the shady business the Red Cross has been up to since its establishment in 1881, and whether this red cross represents that organization or not, I don’t care. It’s ugly and I don’t like it.

39. The Egg with Revolving Miniatures dared to be clear, but did it better than the Standart. The representations of the imperial family help carry the theme to somewhere almost relevant, and introduced movement into the definitive ranking. Overall, it could be better but not bad.

38. The Third Imperial Egg is a misleading egg, so it gets points for trickery. There is no Second or First Imperial Egg. It’s like a bad movie naming itself as a sequel to trick you into buying a ticket (*cough Trolls 2 cough*). This solid gold facade definitely looks expensive, but unfortunately looks tacky while doing it. My grandma had something similar to this in the off limits room growing up.

37. The ​​Red Cross Triptych Egg makes me ill. The only reason it’s not next to its brother at the end of the list is because it has beautiful gold Russian detailing. I have nothing further to say.

36. The Lilies of the Valley Egg marks a transition in this list; this egg is actually pretty. It’s pink, frilly, and elaborate. While I’m not sure if I would eat this in any capacity, I would love to drink a cup of tea next to it.

35. The Flower Basket Egg is adorable. It makes me think of my life in a pasture with many sheep. It’s cute, it’s tasteful, it’s farmlike, I believe this egg has been close personal friends with at least a chicken.

34. The Order of St. George has secrets, it’s quaint and takes care of its business. St. George founded Moscow by slaying a dragon so I would have liked to see more of that motif, but this egg is fine on its own. It understood the assignment and passed with an average grade.

33. The Peacock Egg also understood the assignment. Besides the next egg on this list, this is truly the definition of an egg. Inside the egg it features a peacock which is our first bird! We love the representation.

32. The Romanov Tercentenary Egg is special because it looks like a cracked egg, which is a beautiful example of foreshadowing. The portraits on the sides of the egg are okay, but the magic happens inside; a beautiful globe representing how everyone was against the Romanovs shines in the light of a new world order. 32/48 points for this one.

31. We have another clock egg on this list, but with better taste than its cousin. The ​​Madonna Lily Clock Egg is an unquestionable egg and an unquestionable clock. The only issue here is that it’s a questionable pineapple which is neither here nor there. It’s also not clear what any Madonna has to do with this Faberge, so there’s room for improvement.

30. Have you ever wanted a really expensive tennis trophy? Great! Let me introduce you to the Royal Danish Egg. This egg looks like someone tried too hard on Easter and now everyone is afraid to eat it. Not because it’s pretty, but because the amount of glue seeped into this egg is deadly and probably caused your uncle’s arthritis.

29. Now the Diamond Trellis Egg looks like something my mother would want for her birthday. It’s simple, elegant, and way out of my budget. If I had an unlimited budget to purchase one of these eggs, I wouldn’t buy this one. It looks like it got stuck while putting on a bracelet and gave up because no one was around to help. Overall it’s pretty, but not for me.

28. Alexander III was a pretty good guy, so it follows that the ​​Alexander III Commemorative Egg is also pretty good. The outside isn’t the flashiest, but the Alexander bust hidden in the center of the egg like a forbidden Tootsie Roll Pop has implications that are beyond me. If anyone knows what this means, please contact my therapist.

27. The Tsarevich Egg is the first egg on the list to look truly Russian. It’s gold and has a portrait of the golden boy. While there isn’t a Tsarina Egg to compare, this egg looks royal and delivers the biggest royal secret: the face of the royal anemic bloodline curable only by mysticism or a single large aspirin.

26. The 15th Anniversary Egg features a portrait of the last of the Romanovs in watercolor tasteful watercolor painted on crystal ivory. It’s tasteful finery lets me know I’m poor and could never afford such a three dimensional photo album. This egg has been useful in finding all the bodies of the Romanovs since no one can seem to remember anyone other than Anastasia.

25. The unfinished Blue Tsarevich Constellation Egg was the last egg made before the revolution. Its jaw dropping and scientific. As a backyard astronomer myself, this is a personal favorite although not the most beautiful. It’s a shame the base is weird, clouds are not conducive to stargazing, but maybe it would’ve been different if it had been finished.

24. The Alexander III Equestrian Egg has a horse in it. It’s pretty but it’s weird.

23. Now the Renaissance Egg lives up to its name. It takes everything that’s been happening and rotates it 90 degrees. This is a fresh take on the concept of the egg and I respect the decision. It created more realestate to introduce the pearl to the decorations, and the finery feels like it could teach me about Italy. But would I eat this egg? Yeah.

22. The Rosebud Egg is also Russia incarnate. It’s another personal favorite and something I could see myself owning if I had a couple million more to my name. I’ve always said if I were the monarch of a kingdom these would be my national colors. Everything about this egg screams imperial and I’m not mad about it.

21. The First Hen Egg is as egg as it gets. It is gold. It has chicken. It is neutral and expensive. It is egg.

20. Now the Pelican Egg is another beautiful avian egg. Its sleek exterior makes me want coffee for some reason, and makes me want to bite into it. It is one of the most edible looking eggs on this list, and I want to unwrap it and find the little chocolate core it’s selfishly keeping to itself.

19. It’s no secret Peter the Great was one of the greatest leaders in Europe. So it follows that his egg also cracks the top 20. What it lacks in color it makes up in intrigue. This egg is hiding a secret compartment or something, it has to with lines that intricate. It looks like the little Italian porcelain figurines you can find in any antique store, but this egg makes them relevant to a new continent.

18. Everyone hold onto your socks because the Alexander Palace Egg has been known to sneak into your house in the middle of the night and steal all your pairs. The Alexander Palace replica inside this egg puts to shame the lego house I built yesterday. If I were a kid again, I just know I would stare at this egg for hours before finally deciding to test a small lick. I wouldn’t eat this egg, but I would lick it all day long.

17. The Catherine the Great Egg earns a higher ranking than her grandfather-in-law’s because of the pretty pink color. Much like her reign, this egg took everything great Peter did and made it better. This is also the first egg that I think would truly smell good. Good job Catherine, shame about your husband though. Sudden unexplained illnesses can be so inconvenient.

16. The Swan Egg is reminiscent of the Diamond Trellis Egg, but incorporates the bird theme that defines eggs across the world. The way it opens hatches a beautiful little swan into the world. This is one swan the Queen of England does not own, take that House of Windsor. I was talking to a prophet the other day that said she may or may not die on Monday. Anything is possible.

15. Although it’s not likely we’ll ever get trans representation from Russia, we sure get a lot of Trans-Siberian Railway representation, and this egg is one such example. The railway is one of the most important and significant advances Russia ever made, and this egg is beautiful, and it has a lil train in it. I could see myself eating this egg but only on a special occasion, like Christmas or a visit to the Dentist.

14. The Coronation Egg confuses me because it looks like a pineapple. But this could also be a metaphor. The pineapple is a little cannibalistic, it tingles to eat because it’s dissolving your mouth. It’s kinda like how the Romanovs ended up eating themselves as well. It’s a stretch but I think it works.

13. The Caucasus Egg is a role model. It’s the egg they make you study in school until you can’t bear to look at it anymore (like the Manifest Destiny painting). This egg set the stage for the other imperial eggs. It’s timeless and truly fit to rule the county.

12. The Pansy Egg could have cracked the top 10 if it had smiled more, but speaking as someone who came 12th in her graduating high school class, spot #12 is where you want to be on the list. It dared to be beautiful in a way that didn’t make it sit on stage in front of thousands. I can picture myself fiddling with the interlocking flowers until my fingers hurt. If I didn’t know so many vegetarians, this green egg would make you crave ham as well.

11. The Rose Trellis Egg also deserved a spot in the top ten, but it failed to collect the $200 after it passed Go. If it were an age, this egg would be 17 forever. Right on the cusp of being an adult, but blissfully youthful and happy for the rest of its days. This is the egg you would give someone for a significant birthday, 16, 21, or 69.

10. Here we go ladies and gentlemen, the much anticipated Top 10. Coming in at number 10 we have the Napoleonic Egg. What it’s doing in Russia we have no idea, but we’ll watch it until it does something funny. No doubt hiding a dark chocolate interior, this egg might have been racist and homophobic last year, but we can change it in 2022. Unlike its namesake, I’m giving this egg more than 100 days of glory.

9. The Danish Palaces Egg is another adolescent beauty. This pink, free-range, non vegan, egg looks like it belongs to a little blonde girl with a heart of gold. She spends her days by her open window singing to the wildlife that brings her tasty morsels and pie. I envy her. I also think this egg would taste like strawberries, which I’m not sure is a good thing.

8. Picture an egg. Does it look like the others you’ve seen on this list? You’d be right if it does. Except this time, the Cockerel Egg captures the pure essence of a chicken. It sits atop the clock egg, proud, gazing at its masterpiece. No other egg dared put the chicken where it belongs, at the very top.

7. The Clover Leaf Egg redefined everything for me. What is egg and what is nature? Can the two work in harmony? Yes. You could introduce this egg to your parents on Easter and they would love you more for it. This egg is how I know I’m poor.

6. The Moscow Kremlin Egg made eye contact with me once and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I don’t know whose decision it was to put a giant egg over the Kremlin, but I want to shake their hand. It shows wealth, it shows status, it shows the looming presence of the imperial family over the courts and people of Moscow. I get chills.

5. We are in top 5 territory and this next egg does not disappoint. You’ve heard of a ship in a bottle, but have you heard of a ship in an egg? The Memory of Azov Egg is nothing short of a feat of nautical history. Unlike the Yacht Egg, the Azov circumnavigates my heart. There’s no question that this egg was made for a king.

4. The Winter Egg was my top Egg for a very long time. It wasn’t until recently that I sat down and decided to demote it to fourth. The whimsical eye journey this egg takes you on is nothing short of a delight. You can basically hear the Nutcracker playing when you look at this egg. It took the worst and most grueling part of Russia and turned it into art. I would undoubtedly eat this egg if I could, and I’m sure I would go on some sort of inner child journey like Ego did in Ratatouille while chewing it down.

3. Any of the top three can easily be #1, but here’s my ranking anyways. If the Gatchina Palace Egg had hands, they would moisturize with only the best. The gentle design on the outside does not prepare you for the replica palace on the inside. It really drops you in expecting simplicity and forces you to survive the trials and tribulations of Russian Court. I wouldn’t eat this egg but I’d caress its gentle hands.

2. The Mosaic Egg is the most quintessentially Russian looking egg on this list. It’s thoughtful, reminiscent of Roman frescoes, and painfully beautiful. One look from this egg is enough to kill a man. Two looks to kill his family. I am once again compelled to lick this egg, but not eat it. You wouldn’t bite a jolly rancher, would you? I’d sooner destroy a stained glass window.

1. And the most anticipated egg of the evening goes to a well deserved Alexander III Portraits Egg. This egg is so expensive looking it had to invent its own currency to define itself. I wouldn’t eat this egg because I know I’m not worthy and never will be. Even looking at it I feel like I should lay down my life in its service. Like I said, Alexander III was a good guy, but I’m not sure that any Russian monarch was ever good enough to deserve this egg. Maybe Anna Anderson could have shed some light on other members of the Romanov family, but that turned out to be a dead end.

And there you have it. A definitive ranking of all 48 known and surviving Faberge Eggs. Like most normal, sane people, I can accept kudos in the form of applause or acts of service. Please contact your local editor to learn more about how to reach me.

With that, I wish everyone a new year because it’s definitely already happening.

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