If you’re anything like me, you’ve been attempting to play chess your entire life. Have you succeeded? No. Have you been badly beaten by a wizard with a chess board at your local public library? Maybe.
So what exactly makes chess hard? No doubt, it’s the lack of historical accuracy. Below you’ll find the new and improved rules for America’s favorite pastime based on a tried and true feudal system and centuries of monarchy.
- Church and State – Declare your kingdom a democracy and split from the church. Opponent’s bishops can no longer capture your pieces, and your bishops must now work as pawns to support themselves.
- Divorced, beheaded, oh my – Is your Queen not working out? You may choose to kill your Queen and replace her with another piece on the board. The new piece acts as a Queen and cannot mention the old Queen else she will be replaced herself. You may replace up to six Queens, but cannot do so in consecutive turns.
- Heirs – If the Queen is not replaced, she may bear an heir once per game. You must roll a six sided dice to determine the gender of the heir. If it’s an odd number, you may place another King on the board. If it’s an even number, you may place another queen.
- King Prawn – The King can now swap places with any piece of the same color on the board. He’s the king, he can do what he wants.
- Knight Out – All knights must try to sacrifice themselves in defense of king and country. These pieces no longer work towards any long-form strategy, but rather try to save every damsel in distress possible. Only pawns excepted because peasants aren’t people.
- Freedom -If a pawn manages to reach the opposite side of the board, they now have the option of becoming a bishop. They thought it would be different over here, but since they don’t have any connections or prospects, joining the clergy seems like a good path. If the kingdom is secular when this happens, the pawn becomes a knight instead.
- Oathbreaker – If a pawn makes it across the board twice, they are enlisted by the military and become a knight to serve the king. If they were previously a bishop, they can move in both manners to fight for the holiest of crusades.
- Marriage – If you find yourself losing the game, you can strike a bargain with your opponent. You may marry off your heir to your opponent’s piece of choice. The heir now works for the opponent, however it may not capture any of your pieces nor can your opponent capture your queen. That’s the heir’s mother after all. You must also pay your opponent $5.
- London Bridge – Upon capturing your opponent’s rook, topple it over onto the board using a gentle flick. Any spaces it lands on are now unusable, and any pieces it displaces must be removed from the board. To remove the fallen rook, a pawn of the same color must capture the ruins to clear the path.
- Built in a day – If three pawns of the same color sit in adjacent squares, you may build a rook. Pawns are the backbone of medieval infrastructure.
- Alliances – It is within a player’s rights to introduce a third opponent to the board. The third opponent will remain an ally of its host, and introduce three knights, a bishop, and a king to the board. In this case, there won’t be a single victor and all winnings must be split within the alliance.
- Duel – A player may challenge their opponent to a duel. If accepted, the board must be cleared and the players must arm wrestle.
- Taxes– You may collect a tax from each of your pawns to support a new aristocrat. To do this, you must remove half of your remaining pawns (no fewer than two) and introduce a knight or bishop to the board. You may do this as many times as you would like per game.
- Deathbed Catholic – Once per game and only done when replacing a Queen, your kingdom may find religion again and replace up to three non King pieces with bishops to evangelize the land. If your opponent remains a secular heathen, you may introduce an extra bishop to the board.
- Biological warfare – If a player needs to sneeze, they may instead hold it and designate a piece as patient zero. Patient zero may not capture any further pieces, but if they infect half of your opponent’s remaining pieces, your opponent succumbs to the plague. They may cure the plague by replacing their infected pieces with bishops.
And there you have it, I’ve perfected chess.