With October lurking around the corner, it’s officially Halloween season. I’m already deep in the throes of pretending it’s fall, so please join me in my fantasy as we take a look at three horrible historical figures that put Freddy Krueger to shame. No Jack the Rippers, Elizabeth Báthorys, or Vlad the Impalers are found here, instead, I want to shed an uncomfortable limelight on these individuals who deserve the absolute worst from history. These three have touched my life in ways I’m choosing not to detail, but perhaps you can figure it out on the journey through the lives of these horrible heroes.
Pope Innocent VIII was nothing if not ironically named. Honestly, most Pope Innocents have wild stories, but Innocent VIII was known for the noble fight against witchcraft and receiving the first blood transfusion – although neither of those are what you’d expect.
His papacy began in 1484 and he wasted no time before issuing a papal bull condemning witchcraft across Europe. This summis desiderantes affectibus (Latin for “desiring with supreme ardor”) officially recognized the existence of witches:
“Many persons of both sexes, unmindful of their own salvation and straying from the Catholic Faith, have abandoned themselves to devils, incubi and succubi, and by their incantations, spells, conjurations, and other accursed charms and crafts, enormities and horrid offences …they blasphemously renounce that Faith which is theirs by the Sacrament of Baptism, and at the instigation of the Enemy of Mankind they do not shrink from committing and perpetrating the foulest abominations and filthiest excesses to the deadly peril of their own souls…”
Ministers were sent to Germany to find and prosecute witches; however, the decree failed to provide the witchfinder support Dominican Heinrich Kramer had requested from the papacy which led to the publication of the Malleus Maleficarum by Kramer in 1487. The Catholic church never condemned Kramer’s book, but the Malleus Maleficarum made sure to cite Pope Innocents’ papal bull in its appendices. Together, the popular notion of burning witches at the stake gripped Europe, and a fear of the “other” led to extreme violence against women and minorities.
Violence against heretics and witches wasn’t an issue for Pope Innocent, in 1487 he personally confirmed Tomas de Torquemada as Grand Inquisitor of Spain. Torquemada, famous for heading the Spanish Inquisition, was responsible for the brutal torture and execution of 2,000 muslims, jews, and other innocent people. Very quickly, this era in Europe became associated with religious fanaticism and intolerance, which are great for the papal reputation. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
To make matters worse, Pope Innocent VIII often traded foodstuffs with Barbary merchants in return for slaves he could convert to christianity. In one instance, King Ferdinand of Spain gave Innocent 100 Arab and Muslim slaves.
Shortly before his death, Pope Innocent grew frail and was described as a “mass of flesh and bone.” While it was most likely the result of pneumonia, speculations of poison have superseded without confirmation throughout history. He would often drink the breast milk of young women during his last days in the hopes that it would somehow save him. In a last chance effort to survive his death, Pope Innocent drank the blood of three young boys, aged around 10 years. This is regarded as the first recorded blood transfusion in history, however, extremely unsuccessful. Not only did Innocent die shortly after consuming the blood, it also claimed the lives of the three children in question.
On his deathbed, Pope Innocent VIII begged his cardinals to select a successor better than him.
Françoise-Athénaïs de Rochechouart de Mortemart, Marquise of Montespan is proof that you shouldn’t girlboss more than you can chew. Also strangely enough, Madame de Montespan is one of my favorite historical figures for every reason listed below. Born to a noble French family in 1640, Madame de Montespan was an actress, mother, catholic, alleged satanist, witch, murderer, and most notably, mistress to the French King Louis XIV.
She became King Louis XIV’s official mistress in 1666, which should have been considered an omen. The first suspicious eyes cast on Madame de Montespan began with the Affaire des Poisons where a number of prominent aristocrats were implicated in a series of poisonings leading to the execution of 36 people from the King’s inner circle. Could Athénaïs be capable of murder? Yes absolutely.
What earned her a spot on our list of horrible heroes was her lifelong practice of witchcraft and ritualistic murder. During the aforementioned Affaire des Poisons, she spent hours in satanic prayer trying to create a potion for the King to win his love. During her prayer, she would slit a newborn’s throat and crush the body, then use the crushed bones and drained blood in the king’s mixture. She spent 13 years sprinkling her love potion in the King’s food before a police investigation found 2,500 bodies buried in La Voisin’s gardens.
Allegedly, in 1666 she also allowed Étienne Guibourg to perform a black mass over her nude, blood soaked body. Naturally, the black mass also included infant sacrifice. Montague Summers – a 19th century British clergyman and historian- offered a description of the ceremony:
“A long black velvet pall was spread over the altar, and upon this the royal mistress laid herself in a state of perfect nudity. Six black candles were lit, the celebrant robed himself in a chasuble embroidered with esoteric characters wrought in silver, the gold paten and chalice were placed upon the naked belly of the living altar […] All was silent save for the low monotonous murmur of the blasphemous liturgy […] An assistant crept forward bearing an infant in her arms. The child was held over the altar, a sharp gash across the neck, a stifled cry, and warm drops fell into the chalice and streamed upon the white figure beneath. The corpse was handed to la Voisin, who flung it callously into an oven fashioned for that purpose which glowed white-hot in its fierceness.”
Montague also provided the alleged incantation:
“Astaroth, Asmodeus, princes of friendship and love, I invoke you to accept the sacrifice, this child that I offer you, for the things I ask of you. They are that the friendship and love of the King and the Dauphin may be assured to me, that I may be honoured by all the princes and princesses of the Court, that the King deny me nothing I ask whether it be for my relatives or for any of my household.“
Although both of these descriptions were written well over a century after Madame de Montespan’s death, they are nonetheless spooky and fitting to the story. There were circulating rumors that she attempted to assassinate the king, although history found her innocent of these charges. She was eventually exiled 1691 after losing royal favor and lived out the rest of her life supporting the arts and many hospitals and charities. She died in 1707 in Bourbon-l’Archambault while bathing to battle an illness. The king forbade her children from wearing mourning for her.
Ronald Reagan, what can I say about him that we don’t already know? He presided over 89,343 deaths to the AIDS endemic and did absolutely nothing about it. He met the crisis at every turn with jokes, indifference, and apathy. He proclaimed AIDS to be “the wrath of God” which served to paint the disease as a punishment for being gay. A presidency led by religious views and policies is a theocracy, not a democracy, and supporting a theocracy is constitutionally unamerican.
Internationally, Reagan supplied weapons to the Middle East, specifically chemical weapons Iran and Iraq used against their own population, and once the war began, continued to supply weapons to both sides of the conflict. He also supplied weapons to Nicaraguan rebels who overthrew their democratically elected government and restored the dictatorship. Speaking of dictatorships, Reagan supported Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega until Noriega became close friends with Fidel Castro, then he declared Noriega an enemy and had him removed. He vetoed a bill supporting the end of South African apartheid forcing congress to override his veto.
Politics aside, Reagan’s racist remarks are slowly becoming known to the public, to no one’s surprise. In a private phone call to President Nixon, Reagan expressed his frustration over African delegates who voted against the US position that Taiwan should receive recognition instead of the People’s Republic of China (listen to it here). During the phone call, Reagan said:
“To see those, those monkeys from those African countries—damn them, they’re still uncomfortable wearing shoes!”
His daughter, Patti Davis, has condemned the remarks in a Washington Post article, as she should.
“There is no defense, no rationalisation, no suitable explanation for what my father said”
138 members of his administration were investigated for, convicted of, or indicted for crimes which made the Reagan administration the most documented corrupt administration in American history (until perhaps recently as events are still unfolding).
Economically, Regan set records for budget deficits. He inherited a $50 billion deficit from President Carter, and tripled it to $200 billion in eight years. Up until COVID, Regan was responsible for the second highest unemployment rate in American history at 10.8%. The Great depression had a 25% rate and April 2020 had a 14.7% rate, the only difference is that the Reagan administration wasn’t facing a world altering crisis like the first world war and a pandemic. Most famously of all, Reagan invented “trickle down economics” – the idea that giving tax breaks to corporations and the wealthy will trickle wealth down to everyone else. Reaganomics is directly responsible for why billionaires like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk don’t pay their taxes.
I want to make it clear that I’m not celebrating the lives of any of these figures. They are interesting in the same way that Dr. Frankenstein found phrenology fascinating; it’s like watching a scary movie but realizing it was actually a documentary about solar flares. These three are among the worst of the worst historically, the bottom of the barrel morally, and the under discussed biographically. I’m sure they are cozying up with Brutus and Judas for all eternity, somewhere deep, cold, and poetic.
I hope you find some peace in your actions after reading this, that you decide you’re at least a marginally better person than these horrible heroes. And if not, I hope this article puts a little BOO-gie in your step and you find the autumn fantasy of a happy Halloween a little more believable.
The end?
Wendy Fernandez 