Whatever wishes wither with her

Picture this: you’re at the beach. You arrived early in the morning to grab the best spot for your various chairs and towels. A handful of people are trickling in further down the sand, one couple has the cutest dog you’ve ever seen. The sun is barely over the waves and the smell of rotting seaweed tickles your nose hairs with every deep breath you take. The email notification sound you hear a million times from Microsoft Outlook is miles away on a forgotten computer, and the stress of your 9-5 is barely a thought anymore. 

You walk along the edge of the water, letting the waves crash onto your pale, pale toes. As you step, you feel nothing but the squishy sand give way below your feet…until your big toe comes in contact with an ornate gold lamp. 

You’ve seen Aladdin, you know the drill. As you rub the sand off the lamp, a large blue Robin Williams-esque genie appears before your eyes. They offer you the same deal you’ve heard a million times: you now have three wishes. You can’t kill or bring anyone back from the dead, you can’t make someone fall in love with you, and you can’t wish for more wishes. What do you do? 

There’s always talk of the most effective way to use genie wishes, and I’m here to tell you everyone else is wrong. I’m here to guide you through the best way to use your wishes with little to no downsides or catastrophes. You’re very lucky. After reading this short article, you are guaranteed to come out on top.

The first thing you should do is make sure no one else sees the genie. This is the quickest way to wind up dead or worse. In this day and age, genies are highly sought after and the power of a single wish can change the world completely. If anyone gets wind you have a magic lamp, they’ll be sure to come after you. So make sure to take your genie somewhere private, maybe somewhere candlelit where you two can talk. 

Introduce yourself! They’ll surely want to know who their new commander in chief is. It’s helpful to remember that you might be the first face they’ve seen in a thousand years so don’t be afraid to crack a joke and a smile. Be friendly, this is an opportunity for you but a full-time job for the genie. You wouldn’t yell at a waitress, would you? 

Alright, now that everyone is settled into the situation, let’s talk about wishes. Your first instinct is probably to wish for fame or fortune, but I highly advise against that. Genies are notoriously tricky and will use your wording against you. If you wish for a million bucks, you might be hit with a stampede. Likewise, if you wish for fame you may become the most wanted criminal in all of history. 

I advise you to word your first wish exactly as follows: I wish for my next two wishes to be granted based on my intent rather than my specific wording. And just like that you have guaranteed two perfect wishes. 

Now, please be patient. You may think this was a waste of a wish, but I assure you it isn’t. If after reading this article in its entirety you still wish to disregard my advice, then godspeed. But please bear with me for now. 

Your second wish is entirely yours; you could wish for a car, an opportunity, or a natural disaster for whatever reason. Anything in the universe is up for grabs, even world peace. Personally, I would wish for one of two things: to always have enough money (legally) in my bank account to cover any expense I have or use as wanted, or to be able to learn new skills quickly and with ease. You’re welcome to borrow my examples or come up with something uniquely yours. Remember to say it with conviction, genies love decisiveness. 

By this point, the genie is surely impressed at your preparedness but probably also agitated that it can’t have fun interpreting your wishes for personal pleasure. Remember to be friendly, there’s no point in agitating an all-powerful immortal being. 

The wording of your third wish is almost as important as your first wish. Although we’ve already established your intent, the purpose of your third wish is to exploit a loophole in the genie’s rules; you can’t wish for more wishes, but you absolutely can wish for another magic, genie containing, lamp. 

Your genie will be taken aback and no doubt annoyed because you didn’t free them (thanks Disney), but they can suck it up. They’ll summon another lamp and you repeat the process. With this method, although you only get one real wish per genie, you have an infinite number of genies at your disposal. If you feel so inclined, when you are all wished out, you can use your last wish to free all genies that have granted you wishes. Or go even further, free all genies everywhere and prevent others from benefiting from this magic. Or free them to end their slavery, whatever works for you. 

Congratulations! You have used your wishes three in the most effective way possible. You’ll leave the beach with your newfound riches and never return to your office, never to hear that terrible, terrible email sound again. As previously mentioned, if after reading this entire article you still wish to forge your own path of wishes, then only God can help you. Don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.

Image from the Art institute of Chicago digital collection, seen here

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