In my younger and more vulnerable years, I traveled this country coast to coast. From the tops of mountains to the pits of despair, I pressed my tongue to the American crust and licked my way to a full continental breakfast complete with the Texas shaped waffles we all love.
There are a lot of things I learned, and a lot of things I had to unlearn. No thanks to a couple of states (I won’t name names but they rhyme with Fexas and Tlorida), I found my public school education embarrassingly lacking. At every step along the way, I made a fool of myself for not knowing basic US History and other general education tidbits. I feel it is now my civic duty to make sure that doesn’t happen to anyone else – especially not the esteemed readers of this Newsletter.
Without further ado, here are the top 10 facts I wish I had known before stepping foot across the border in any discernible direction:
1. George Washington was crowned king of America in a secret ceremony at Newburgh shortly after the Revolution. His inability to tell a lie was also a medical condition we have since eradicated thanks to modern science and vaccinations. A second condition was the root of the famously not-wooden, slave-teeth dentures he wore; it wasn’t cavities or bayonet carelessness that caused his smile to fall out. It was racism.
2. Of Mice and Men was the original title of the Nutcracker Ballet before it became known colloquially. John Steinbeck adopted this title for his 1937 novella amidst rising anti-Russian sentiments. Although he never publicly said anything, he was known to keep a miniature circus and racetrack in his backyard garden to train mice. After several complaints from neighbors and encouragement from his landlady to find a different hobby, he became obsessed with Sir Gallahad and wrote his famous 1976 collection of Arthurian Legends. But he never forgot his mice. And he never forgot the circus.
3. Robert E. Lee had a rocky past relationship with both Mary Todd Lincoln and Abraham Lincoln. This was a lesser known cause of the Civil War and made the battle of Appomattox incredibly awkward for all parties involved. In fact, the Gettysburg address was initially a Dear John letter addressed to Lee, but a handful of key White House advisors convinced Lincoln to make a few edits the night before he took the proverbial podium.
4. The Appalachian Mountains are older than almost everything in the universe. Leading Geologists believe that as earth was forming, it crashed into the mountain range on one of its orbits. The mountains predate our solar system by a significant number – so significant that Significant Figures scientists round calculations to are named after this phenomena.
5. Alaska isn’t actually connected to Canada, the maps are right. The reason it’s so cold is because it’s closer to Antarctica than anyplace else.
6. The limit actually does exist. The uber wealthy elite have been ruling this county to keep the 99% blue collar proletariat population of comrades under their perfectly manicured inbred thumbs. I once knew a fellow who told me rain is caused by Congress pulling their thumbs out of their mouths all at once to crush the spirits of their constituencies (it’s me, I’m the fellow). They are the last group you should turn to to define function. HA.
7. The President’s Book of Secrets is real, but it’s more of a shared diary. It dates back to 1862 and is kept in the left drawer of the president’s desk. However, it’s not as exciting as the American public wants it to be. The first 75 pages are illicit obsessions written by Lincoln fantasizing about Lee’s movements if you know what I mean. Maybe it is as exciting, if not more.
8. The original football was actually Founding Father Gouverneur Morris’ left foot. As a 20 year-old member of the Second Constitutional Convention, his unexpected 1776 (ish) carriage accident that led to his leg amputation put a damper on his athletic aspirations. His infamous preamble, “We the people, in order to form a more perfect union” actually started as a flyer about starting the nation’s first intramural league.
9. Airplanes don’t technically move anywhere. The altitude levels they reach take them well out of the atmosphere and away from the normal gravity laws we are bound to on earth. They mainly hover and let the globe rotate beneath them. Up until 1978, planes made the long, traditional journeys to their destinations. Feeling inspired by the Superman release, ALPA President Captain John O’Donnell wondered what would happen if we used the earth’s rotation to our advantage, much like Superman turning back time to save Lois Lane. Look how far we’ve come.
10. They started feeding people to the Statue of Liberty in 1949. At first, it was to see what would happen if we let a couple of young virgins wander into her pedestal unattended. But being French, Lady Liberty developed a taste for blood and now expects yearly shipments of new meat to satiate her bloodlust. God save America if her copper bowels ever rumble and rust with hunger.
So there you have it, the top ten things I didn’t learn about this country but wish I had. There are no excuses left, history has been made and written down. There’s nothing left but to learn it.
Wendy Fernandez 